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Love Marriage vs Arranged Marriage

Yesterday, a new call centre agent was brought in to be part of this jinx, shithole project, slotted to be a replacement to another agent who have thrown the towel.

As usual, the new recruits being employed by the company is something to be concern about. Here we have, newbies joining the company with ZERO technical experiences, and yet, they are being deployed in IT service support. Their reasons? Because some of the newly hired employees came from call-centre background, so they wish to tap on the experiences of these recruits to salvage the account.

Like wtf?

If you do not have any experience on the IT field, how on Earth are you going to salvage the situation that demands technical expertise sometimes; to the point of extreme stupidity or madness that I must say, happening all the time.

Sigh. Anyway, this guy, is formerly a call-centre agent that handle with insurance policies. Yes, an INSURANCE POLICY CALL CENTRE AGENT. Zero technical experience. But his linguistic is quite good. I think that’s natural, if you need to relate to the customers about the type of insurance policies that his previous company is offering.

So during the break, I had to accompany him downstairs to make his work badge and during the long wait, I decided to ask him about his background, etc etc.

It turns out that he came here due to recommendation from his wife, who already work with the company for barely 3 months but supporting a different project. He was based in India and only got married last November. Thinking about how closely it appears, I was thinking out loud, how he get to meet his Singaporean wife.

He replied that theirs was an arranged marriage. To him, its nothing abnormal. As if sensing that look in my eyes, he replied that we the locals have the feeling that arrange marriage is the concept of Indian society but said that arranged marriages use to happen even in the Victorian age.

Which makes me ponder the whole day after. Some people are fortunate enough to have found their soul-mates while others have their soul-mates selected for them. Some people reason that only the person who is to marry can decide whom s/he wishes to spend the rest of his/her life with, which leads to a successful marriage.

On the other hand, people of South Asia and the Middle East claim that the elders of the family have the final say over the marriage for they have seen the world and know that a successful marriage is not just a uniting of two people, but of two families.

Which makes me wonder. What should be the basis of the marriage ? Love or social norms?

In our country we are having both love and arranged marriages. If we start comparing love and arranged marriages we will see that both has certain pros and cons. But the common factor in both the concept is physical attraction.

For me, I believe that there are certain things, which are found in love marriages and not in arranged. Like spending time together and getting to know each other. Because when you have decided to spend the life together it is important you know the person.

I think that love marriages offer more independence and freedom as compared to arranged marriages since both of them knows each other so the social pressure and family pressure is less. If you know somebody before marriage it allows partners to have better respect and understanding for each other’s needs and desires. In love marriages expectations are more compared to arrange marriages, as they know each other and want their partner to act in the best possible manner.

Arranged marriages, offer more protection, security to the women. As the parents decides the family. Parents make use of maturity and wise decision while choosing suitable spouses for their children. The mature decision of parents sometimes helps to make the right choice. But I don’t think that arranged marriages are ideal marriages. Even in an arranged marriage there is a different sort of social pressure.

So it’s not just about initial love and attraction it needs a lot of dedication and effort to sustain a marriage. After all you should be happy with your life partner irrespective of love or arranged marriage. 🙂

143 replies on “Love Marriage vs Arranged Marriage”

I recently attended a workshop on love and marriage conducted by NUSMS, ROMM and MUIS. It appears that there are many who still favour arranged marriages in this modern age. It cuts out the need for dating which might create temptations and lead to undesirable ends. So how do you know if your arranged partner is your soul mate / the one intended for you? You pray (“solat istikharah”) and ask for God’s guidance. If you receive positive (tangible) signs – signs which you could be able to spot personally – you go ahead, get married, learn to find love, procreate and in that journey, you find yourself moving closer to God.

Quite a beautiful concept isn’t it? I can see how it could work for some. Especially if you are too busy studying /pursuing a career to actively look for a partner. =)

Nonetheless, I’m just glad I found my soul mate without having to go through an arranged marriage. My parents told me an arranged marriage would be their 2nd option if I didn’t find someone myself by age 26. Lol.

To Shaz,
Yes, the concept is beautiful.

But I wonder why the divorce statistics is a tad to the high side too. Is there something wrong with the couple, or the society, or due to pressure imposed on them ?

Arrange or Love Marriage alike, something is brewing which may stem from deep inside.

Oh yah, I can see that you *hearts* Aidil very much *winks*

You are very right about the divorce stats esp. with our Malay/ Muslim community. But the bulk of divorces, I think, are not from arranged marriages between mature, consenting adults. They are mostly from young couples “in love” who are forced by their families into a shot-gun marriage. These couples who are not financially, emotionally and spiritually prepared to marry and enter marriage for all the wrong reasons. Now this is a very different and very worrying group and an equally worrying trend. With a baby, and more possibly on the way, they fall out of love and get divorced. I know several friends in this position.

that said, aidil and i think your “About Me” and “About Her” sections are very, very sweet. He says he got goosebumps from reading. Good goosebumps. =)

my opinion? arranged marriage or otherwise, a marriage is a marriage is a marriage, if you get what i mean.

at the end of the day, we have to remember yang jodoh has already been predetermined by Him. that is fate.

it’s just a matter of how two people who are meant for each other meet.

kalau dulu, arranged marriage was a norm in our society and some too… due to the values at that time. technology plays a part too.

in the past, there were few occassions single men and women could meet.. unlike today. and we also have to remember cara pemikiran orang melayu dahulu, di mana anak tidak boleh memberikan pendapatnya secara terus. konsep ‘taat’ dan ‘derhaka’ dalam adat melayu tradisional masih lagi dipegang kuat pada waktu itu.

nowadays we have the internet, the marriage agencies, schools where girls and boys get to meet and mingle, work place.. the list goes on. cara pemikiran masyarakat sudah jauh berubah. masyarakat dah jadi terbuka.

hence, the chances and ways of meeting ‘the one’ dah semakin banyak. my opinion? arranged marriage is still an option, among many.

what about the love, you wonder? kalau memang God dah bukakan hati kita untuk mencintai seseorang itu, it will happen 🙂

kalau kita nak bandingkan zaman dahulu dengan sekarang, memang banyak bezanya. kalau nak asyik samakan dahulu dengan sekarang, tak akan habis.

sama juga dengan baju. kalau dulu nak ada baju, mesti jahit sendiri. sekarang, dah boleh beli pat kedai. but at the end of the day, a baju is still a baju. you wear it cos you like it. it’s just now that cara-cara nak own a baju je dah banyak.

was bloghopping, well in this case kapoosh.net-hopping if ever there’s such a word :), and ditto on Shaz’s perspective. Statistics show that most divorce cases are from that of young couples (aged as early as 17 years old to 25 years old). I love your style of blogging, it flows smoothly and it’s one of those blogs which stimulates the brain for opinions. As much as I’m a true-believer in love and all that jazz, there’s a certain charm about arranged marriages. Definitely hassle-free in the dating arena.

But then again, I doubt it’s charming if my arranged marriage involved an old big hairy abusive man with strong BO problem who secretly has a fetish for S&M. That’ll suck (no pun intended).

Have a great week ahead 😀

hi Syima! i’m glad you share the same views wrt the real reasons for divorce. (I shy away from making comments about the Malay/ Muslim community because often it can get really sensitive.) Anyway issue was higlighted in the papers recently eh. And the real debate is between promoting: “total abstinence” v. “safe sex”.

anyway, yes there really is a certain charm about arranged marriages. and a hairy, smelly, abusive S&M guy = good grounds for divorce (under civil law). LOL!

(sorry for bombarding your comment box Katak…you can safely move on now.. hahaha).

ok ok. This is like a great post Katak. If I may, here are my 22 cents worth.

Coming from an Arab family where arranged marriage is very much encouraged if not compulsory; I for one am actually against the concept. No doubt there are successful arranged marriages that blossomed into blissful marriages blessed with beautiful children and all, for example my parents. Back in those days family traditions and status play a big part in marrying off your children. An the Arabs in Singapore especially has a tendency to marry within the community to promote close-knit relationships among the Arabs themselves.

However there are inevitably lotsa risks when you get hitched through an arranged marriage. Not that love marriage has no risks involved, but in an arranged marriage it’s more like forced risks. One, you barely know the other partner and had to fully trust your parents judgments which COULD be wrong. Two, hell you’d never know his/her family till you actually get married and get to know them and they COULD be some family from the depths of hell. Three, he or she may actually have a strong affection for someone else but ended up with you solely because he/she had to, due to family pressure.

Saying that, I have my reservations on “solat istikharah” in finding my soul-mate. I believe life is such. No doubt God gave us that privilege to have a clue on our ‘possible destiny’ yet it is in no certain term a guarantee. What I believe is God gave me heart and a brain for a reason. That’s the privilege he presented to me. A heart to love and a brain to pass judgement. So if there’s any risk I think I should take, the risk will be marrying someone of my choice. In that way, if and God forbid, the marriage fail I will only have myself to blame. Mom and Dad won’t be at fault for picking out what was supposed to be a princess that turned out to be some slutty ugly witch. And God forbid, I certainly won’t blame God.

So in a nutshell, I’d go for love marriage. At least you take matters in your hands. For goodness sake, it’s not like your mom or dad is gonna be spending the rest of their lives waking up and having children with this new someone.

For the record, I had a love marriage so pardon me if I come across as biased.

Dr Huda,

Thank you for the detailed breakdown and explanation on the subject. It is so heartening to read your views.

Next stop, to pen down your thoughts and make it into the best-seller book 🙂

Syima,

Thank you for coming over. Yes, its pretty much charming and hassle-free for arranged marriage.

Just like the 1993 Hindi film Adhina Khilona Hai, where the guy, played by Anil Kapoor, couldn’t care less on his soon-to-be-wife and just let his parents decide what’s best for him. 🙂

Edross,

I’ve been waiting and kind of expected that you will comment on this issue, coming from an Arabic background.

Its so detailed that I had to read it twice to really understand your points. 🙂

Great! One entry but u manage to gather so many feedbacks. It really helps us to understand so call historical marriage methods used in the past hehe. I was wondering how Japanese marriage works. Hahha. Last time watch some olden Japanese shows where it shows a Japanese Warrior (samurai) is always the one to tame the beauty’s heart hehe. But tat was jus a show.. 😉

Hmmm like what Shaz said, I was willing to settle for an arranged marriage once I am not married by a certain age,…and I gave myself till 29 before I agreed concede to my mother. Haha she was more than willin to search for someone for me, i guess all mothers would since they get to choose their perfect type (get this right THEIR TYPE), to tie the knot for my husband.

Fortunately, god saw through that intention and made me find The One way earlier than I expected. And I am saying i pretty much am happier as such. Seeing a couple of my aunts marrying off to some man just by seeing the picture, I’ve always asked myself whether I could do such a thing myself. Well, the answer is I couldn’t, simply because I cannot force myself to open up to someone I barely know yet forced to marry out of circumstances. It will make me detest him more, knowing that it’s imposed on me, the whole loving him part.

And being with my husband who is clearly amongst alot of those who go through arranged marriages, I have come to hate the idea more each time. Because I see fellow relatives, cousins etc of his who doesn’t seem happy on their wedding day, and the aftermath of the wedding even. And in fact they look upon us (those that marry out of love) with such envy in their eyes.

I actually pity such people. Marriage is such a lovely thing…and even more beautiful when you look at your partner and wonder if time could move slower, so that every moment can be well cherished. You only live once, marry once (insyaallah), so don’t you think you should spend this once in a lifetime with someone who deserves all of you!?

So yeap, love marriage it is. =)

OOPS MAJOR TYPO ERROR::

“Haha she was more than willin to search for someone for me, i guess all mothers would since they get to choose their perfect type (get this right THEIR TYPE), to tie the knot with me.”

Hahaha (not tie the not with my husband,….sorry probably was thinking too much of him when i was typing this)

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